remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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