I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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