when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Randomize