he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
