She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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