just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
