from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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