I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
