God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
