How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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