we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
