u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
