One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
