The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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