the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
