sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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