I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
