It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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