at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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