1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
