whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
