wakey wakey hands off snakey
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
