honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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