when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
