the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
