Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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