I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
