i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
