tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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