I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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