i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
