Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
