i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
