Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
