I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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