The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
