then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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