I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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