I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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