This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
