Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
