I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
