Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
