Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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