My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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