i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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