he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize