how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
