I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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