get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
