it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Fuck appropriateness.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
