He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
you had me at cake vodka
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just blew my weed a kiss
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
