something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
