i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
