That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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