she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
