Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
