do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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